This is something a little personal but also something I've been meaning to write about because I feel it's important. I'm going to make it brief, but if there's anything I hope that anyone reading this will take from, it's to be able to love yourself.
I've been in the happiest, most comfortable point in my life in a long time. And it's simple, nothing compared to how I lived just a couple of months ago. I guess I can say I'm content with how life has treated me here although there are a couple of ups and downs. But recently, because of a couple of things that had been bothering me. I've started to question myself about a lot of things from how my friends here see me, how many clothes, shoes and bags I need to be able to validate myself, how I should show my love towards my friends here, how much I am worth and how sick I am to constantly just be in the position of 'having the potential' to do a lot of things but never living up to it. I've been feeling very discouraged. Still content but there will always be these moments.
I came across an interview I did a few months ago and it surprised me so much to see how fearless I was then. I said, " I think I am at a point in my life where I have nothing to lose, so if there is anything I am living by, it is to always create opportunities for yourself. Life really is way too short for you to sit around and wait for the right time for things to happen. If you want something, go out and get it. Make the change you want to see."
To think about it, everything I said still applies and is true. I still have nothing to lose so I don't get why I’ve been so scared in the first place. The past 2 years have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I was struggling a lot learning how to be my own best friend. It felt like a lot of it was coming in and out of circles. I feel like my time in London has taught me a lot, made me a much different person and simply too busy to notice that I've forgotten to love myself again. Because I've been surrounded by such an amazing group of people here who have made me feel so loved. It’s made me realise you can sometimes lose yourself in the process of just being too comfortable, which is exactly what I have been. Now, the questions haunt me and I’m starting to expect more out of myself. It’s made me an overly sensitive person who over thinks every single situation and affects me way more than I want it to.
I thought I could have solo days out at the museum, treat myself to fancy brunch at a nice restaurant, have chai while walking in the park but I haven’t had the time to do that. I’ve completely forgotten how to be my own best friend again because I don’t love myself at all and I’ve also stopped trusting. I rely on the love I've been getting from my friends and family to make me feel me.
Normally I’m used to sharing about how I’ve come out of each experience but now, I feel this is part of what I am going through and I thought I would share my goals here. I’ve learnt a lot about myself and people just from sharing my feelings here, it’s allowed me to deal with whatever I’m faced with because I know that this is public. So here is how I will aim to get out of this rough patch and move forward:
Always see myself at my best- I’ve been feeling discouraged like I said, and when I came across that quote I said last year, I realised how much I’ve been doing the exact opposite: Sitting around waiting for something to happen. Just because I am too scared and confident that all I’ll get is rejected. In London, I’ve seen myself at my best and many times I’ve completely, genuinely allowed myself to live in the moment. Smile like I mean it and go to sleep feeling inspired. I need to constantly be like that, have some faith in me and just always be the best version of myself all the time. A friend recently told me ‘nobody really cares when you fail anyway’ and I thought that was really true. The people that come out at the top of our heads are the ones we look up to, and the things they have achieved. I need to pick myself up again and remind myself I really do have nothing to lose.
Remind myself I am worth it- All of us are unique in our own way and I believe we tend to forget that we are beautiful and treasured human beings. Give yourself come credit, look at the mirror, treat yourself to a nice meal and new shoes. I find that whenever I talk about my strengths (and weaknesses) to my friends, I learn more. Except compliments and stop brushing them away! We all encourage each other and that is how we go forth. I am worth it and so are you.
Nobody is going to trust me if I don’t trust myself.Just the same as nobody is going to love me if I don’t even love myself. So I need to trust myself to be able to do things and to be able to love myself again.
Make time for myself- It can even be going to the library to get work done but I want to start actually making plans to spend time with me, on a beautiful day out. Only then can I love me again.
Set boundaries- I need to be aware of the environment where I’ll thrive and also give myself the room to fail. But most importantly, not allow myself to swim in a pity party of fear, rejection and failure but pick myself up and start over when I need to. Taking more care of myself is also something I hope to be able to work on. When your body is healthy, you’ll be able to take on things with a clear state of mind and just feel good vibes all over in general. Eat healthy! Sleep more! Mask up! Feel good.
Do not be afraid to love- I was so scared to love the people around me because of the way that I am. Precisely because I am actually lucky enough to know who I am, I need to accept it and not run away from it. Just because I tend to love a lot, and I like to show it, doesn’t mean that I should have to question myself for it. And I think it’s time I need to apply this to myself too. I shouldn’t be afraid to want to love myself, like really ENJOY being me and being with me.