Mama?


Yknow, I really don't know what is it about mothers. I personally hate mine.I do not like calling her 'Mummy' or whatsoever. I only do so about once a month when she gives me and my sister 50 bux, its just that small amount but for the sake of it since I'm money faced she'll make me say 'Thank you Mummy' and my dad will start laughing because I will slutter. It goes 'Ma ma ma maaaaa mieeee' then 'Thank you my beloved mother' in the most sarcastic way. She has enevr once cared to me, she has never once done anything that has made me smile for as long as I can remember.
I feel sorry, for my dad sometimes because I know he's having a hard time trying to pull the family together. I think he pays for everything, I am sure of that. Its been very hard on him all these years and I've done nothing really. I hate my home. Though there are happy times with my maid of 50 years, my sis and of course dad and dog, but seldom anyway. It sucks being in such a conservative church as well. I hate it when they get so judgemental. I may be the blacksheep of the family, true. However you do not give me weird looks, talk to me and insult me right at my face telling me how to behave and saying you don't blame me at all because I've no mother to take care of me. I may be as unruly as how you think I am, I do not give a care. You can talk all you want behind my back. By the way, you're in church mind you.
I remember every Mother's day in church where the son/daughter will be go on stage, make a speech about their moms, give presnts, give a hug oh whatever fuckshit they do. Then all the kids and youth come together to sing 'My Mother's Gentle Love' Bullshit. Lyrics that make no sense to me at all. When that woman steps into that builiding during that time of year, everyone stares, and is shocked at probably how she looks and all, and they'll ask her all sorts of things. I used to cry every Mother's Day. And that mde me hate Father's Day just as much because time after time I get depressed and dissapointed with myself about how I sometimes treat my dad and all despite everything he does. I am very blessed to have a dad like him even though he can go mad, hit and scream and shout thanks to his bad temper. No surprise, he's been in the army for half of his life. Sometimes unreasonably hurtful in the things he says but its okay. am used to all that and I do not blame him at all even though I may say I hate him.

I hate my mother. I hate my mother. When she's old, I shall not bother visitng her or seeing her again. So what if 'Oh I carried you in my stomach for 9 months blah blah'When she dies I do not want to step into her funeral if there is one. I shall not cry. I want to drag you out of this home and kick you out, never seeing you again. Please spare me all the embarrassment, trouble and hurt you've caused. I. Hate.You.Slut

Now its late at night, she asked me for a favour. And for the love of $$ I agreed to help. But the thing is, she is eating, on the phone, walking around relaxing and now in bed expecting me to 'burn midnight oil' and complete it for her. For so little pay and not even bothering to help. Does she know I've school tomorrow? I shall demand for a hundred bux. I shall leave a note there saying how unreasonable she is. I think I'll fall asleep here in front of this fucking laptop thank to this bullshit.

I really have so much more to sayI really do but can I?