Gone,


Every single day as I walk into my room, I see these pictures up on my wall taken randomly here and there. Struck me real hard because I don't know out of these pictures here, how many of which are my smiles truely genuine. How do you think you'd feel when you get friends coming to ask you why do you lead such a sad life, why do so many bad things happen to you, why are you so 'suay'. 2 nights ago on my way home from church, I started feeling extremely frustrated with myself, I didn't know why but it just stayed there so I got changed and went for a run alone that night. When I got back, I had a cold shower, climbed onto my bed and saw these letters by my bedside which I wrote. The first was written last October, which was a plea to God that everything would be okay, I wrote so hard because I was at my breaking point. Things didn't go okay so I wrote another one in February, asking God to help me see through this hard time and now reading these letters just make me reminiscent of all the good times. I couldn't help but start to cry, but then what dawned on me was that this was it, I really had to make things change now, so I climbed out of bed and began writing letters. Letters to every person I knew that mean something in my life. And I had to start it off with gratitude. Because each of these people here had been a blessing in my life and whether they are still are part of my life right now, I still thank God everyday for them. I didn't get much done that night but I mailed out one of the letters yesterday, and left one for my dad at his bedside. I felt the need to do all this and I'm freaking out right now, because there is still so much to do and just this little notes I give to everyone, will it actually make a difference? Will I freak the hell out of them because it came so sudden? I've always been bad with my words, did I say the right things? I really have no fucking idea and I feel like I'm at a loss right now, even for doing something which I feel is right. What do you think? Will everything be alright in the end?

/edit
I just want to make this clear, when I said bad things happened to me, it doesn't mean I don't know about the world out there, I am extremely blessed, I never denied that before. I don't understand what is wrong with going through a rough patch and feeling upset. Its like, I'm upset, a friend comes up and ask me why so many bad things happen to me, so do you expect me to actually feel the same way or better? There are times I never thought I do lead a sad life, but when too many things are happening at the same time, you can't expect me to be all cheery and what not for you right? And sometimes these things just keep happening over and over again, thats what I was trying to put across. I'm really bad with my words as you can see. I don't mean to whine about how unlucky I am and neither am I complaining about anything. There are just a few things I want to make right in my life right now. Lastly, if material things do make one truly happy, you can have everything for all I care.