BLUE.

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Yesterday they told me, he had just a couple of days left. But today when I got home, I saw his picture framed up infront of a coffin. His lifeless body was just metres away from me, but I chose just to stand there. Even after he's gone. For a good 3 minutes I was lost for words, I hate me for how I can never bring myself to show the care and concern towards a person when he or she is all weak and fragile. And I mean, physically. I do care but I guess its all in the thought and the prayers but like they all say, 'actions speak louder than words' so what difference does it even make? When he's gone, he's gone. It is too late for anything so maybe my life is just going to be all about regret after all. Just because its me. And maybe it strucks me because I hate how death is so unfair to take life away from a person just and when it wants to. Its just painful and no amount of sorrow can express it. Death scares me so much, whenever I have the thought that a person I love is going to be suddenly taken away from me, I completely lose myself. As much as I want to cry out, scream and shout, I can't bring myself to anymore. For so many of the things happening around me, I think my mind can explode one day.
I don't understand what life really is about, all the times I've prayed so hard, put my trust in God, doing the silliest of things like writing my every wish on balloons before letting them go, hoping that God will see them because I know He will, believing in all my dreams. At the end of the day, life just disappoints you. I feel so lost right now, what wrong did I do to you that you're like this? So what if you've tried, you will definitely fail but does it mean you stop trying? I've done more than my part, if you choose to be oblivious to it then there is nothing more I can do. I don't think I've done anything wrong in telling you about how I felt, but if there is no reply that isn't my fault, is it? So maybe the whole point is you're no longer worth it because I have waited, and waited long enough. I am not going to be the one making that first move anymore because I've done it countless of times and I am sick of it. Why should it always be me when its just not you. Is it fair to me? When I've done nothing wrong at all? After all the things that I did? Is it fair to me? Don't tell me the same thing all over again because it isn't what you think it is. Its you. I've made myself feel miserable enough, I am sick of it but I can't help not feeling that way especially when you're just living your life like nothing happened. Thats from what I see and hear at the very least. Or maybe I'm just evil. And my evil thoughts are getting to the better side of me. Yeah I guess I just am.